I read countless parenting blogs on how perfect life is with their little ones. How every day is filled with joy and contentment and amazing discoveries. These blogs are either lying or I am doing something terribly wrong. Don't mis-understand me, I love being a Mum, I have found it a difficult journey but I do love it. Yet I often judge myself harshly, I wonder if sometimes I don't do enough for Dee or I make the wrong decisions regarding her upbringing. I have found adjusting to motherhood hard, I am not by any means an 'earth mother', I don't believe I was put on this earth purely to reproduce and spend my whole life pontificating at how wonderful I am at parenting.
My daughter is extremely precious to me, she came into my life almost eighteen months ago and changed it irrevocably. I decided when I was pregnant that I was going to give up work and raise my daughter as a stay at home Mum - I believe I made the right decision but it does not mean that some days I don't find it really hard.
I'm a young(ish) Mummy. I am the first of my friends to have a baby. I had a tiring pregnancy with sometimes debilitating morning sickness and chronic tiredness. Even though I read pregnancy and child-rearing books religiously, I felt extremely lonely. I felt I couldn't talk to my closest friends about things because they didn't or couldn't understand what my body was going through. When I was worried about lack of movement or odd changes to my body I often felt trapped and frightened.
I don't think you ever feel 'ready' for a baby. The overwhelming feeling that this tiny thing is going to rely on you completely is a very un-nerving thought. I spent months fretting over the type of mother I wanted to be, contemplating all the mistakes I did not want to make. Truth is you tend to make mistakes whatever you do. You do things you always said you never would and you find yourself pushing to do things well out of your comfort zone.
When Dee arrived, after almost three days of labour and a head fizzy from gas and air; I have never felt more relieved in my whole life. Relieved that she was healthy, relieved she had all her fingers and toes which were so utterly perfect. Relieved that I loved her in that indescribable way that all Mums talk about, that you can't quite comprehend until you meet your child for the first time.
As a mother 16 months on - I forever feel that I should be doing more. That we should go on more outings, that I should make more effort to do lots more creative things with her. That I should have sent her to Nursery sooner, that I should never have introduced her to the world of Peppa Pig.
Truth is, most days, Dee and I mosey along together. We go shopping, we sing, we dance, we laugh. She watches as I clean and tidy and cook. She sits in her cot whilst I shower. We see friends and family regularly, we eat out.
I will never be one of those Mothers who enrols her child in every group going, Dee won't play the piano at 3 years old. I have made peace with the fact that I will never be the perfect mother....
... But I'll always be the perfect mother to Dee - and thats really all that matters.
Love till next time - L & L x x
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