Holding on.

This is the hardest post I have or will ever write. It's physical equivalent is running down a busy high street on a Saturday, absolutely starkers. It's allowing everyone (everyone...) to see the parts of you that you aren't proud of, parts of you that you have kept hidden away.

I need to talk about it here. I need to get it out in the open and say to you all - Yes, here I am, this is me.

This has been 10 years in the making and it took having a baby to bring it out in the open.

Of course, I'm talking about depression.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to look at me like there is something wrong. I just want you to understand. I need you to understand.

I've had a hard few weeks. Hard and dark and scary and hellish. I feel so incredibly selfish, knowing what others have and are going through (believe me, I think of them all the time). But sometimes all you can see is the complete emptiness of your own existence, its the only thing that makes sense.

I know I'm talking in riddles. However, I don't want to go into details, none of you reading this need to know the reasons why, but I hope sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, I can come on here and vent and you will understand.

Mental illness is a funny one. It's not a broken leg, you can't see it and sympathise. You can't rub it and make it better or even stick a plaster over it. It's something that takes time to get over and finally, after so many years of feeling alone, I am finally facing up to my demons and doing something about it.

I am so lucky to have such amazing friends and family. A husband superman who holds me up the best he can when I feel like I am sinking under the weight of life. A daughter who brings me more joy than she will ever know, she is my reason, she is all of my reasons. And friends, such amazing, beautiful, loving, un-selfish friends who have helped me these past weeks, who, even in my darkest hours have held my hand and shown me the pinprick of light at the end of what seems like an endless tunnel. You know who you are and how much I love you.

I promise to keep these posts to a minimum - nobody likes a whiner.

I just felt an explanation was needed about my sometimes sad and muddled words.

Love till next time -  L&L x x