I've been gone for a while.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I have dark days, that stretch into weeks, that merge into months.
I have been reading though. Doing lots of reading of all of your beautiful blogs. The blogs that help me and inspire me and allow me to move forward by acknowledging that I'm not alone.
So, a quick recap of the last few silent weeks. I went away to Palma with the girls, it rained and that made me sad, sad for my lovely friend who had done such a beautiful job of organising it and sad for me because I bought two new swimsuits!
We went to London to visit some close friends and their little one. We ate and drank and were merry. I find it hard going visiting with Dee. My OCD and PND sometimes threaten to take over. They threaten to throw me onto the cold tarmac and shake me until I'm sick. They toy with me. They play with my emotions and rationale. They seep through my pores and then, like a flash, are out in the open. I'm learning to keep them under control, to treat them as a tamed beast.
I'm learning that it is hard to banish that beast in some situations.
Dee has been ill, I have been ill. We have had nights in hospital and nights awake and nights crying. We have had days filled with lying on the cool bathroom tiles and soft kingside bed.
It sounds odd. But I cherished every one of those days when Dee was offside. For once in her little life I got endless cuddles and kisses and hugs through the night. My little lady is fiercely independent, she is loving but it has to be on her terms. She's a tough nut, she rarely cries or moans. So in times of mild illness, when she needs me, it's lovely to feel her love more intensely than ever before.
It makes me feel like I am doing a good job.
So that's been my life - boring and average. My inner battles make each day seem like a mountain and when I lie in bed at night I could almost cry with the ecstasy that I have made it through. It's a small victory. Gosh, I sound morbid.
I know things are getting better, I know that I'm getting better. It's a long road. You can't just pop a pill and it will all be ok.
Thanks for listening you beautiful people. It really helps.
A more normal post will be coming soon.
Love till next time - L&L x x
