A Mothers Love: Mothering Sunday

As children we are so utterly unaware of just how much we are loved by our Mothers. We so innocently take them for granted, never being totally aware of the sacrifices they have made for us and how much we mean to them.

As teenagers we begin to resent them. They seem to be a constant source of annoyance and their un-fathomable way of knowing that you got home two hours after curfew is incredibly frustrating. You spend hours barricaded in your room, cursing their existence and wishing that you had one of the those fun, laid-back kind of Mums who allowed parties and an alcoholic drink before you turned 18. As those young, immature adolescents we were unable to see the affection behind their actions; that their motives were bathed in love.

On entering adulthood you slowly begin to understand that they only ever wanted the best for you, that Mums are wise women of the world who understood more about life than you ever could at that age. That their sometimes drastic actions were shrouded in the faith and hope that one day you would understand that Mum really does know best.

Above all, the clearest realisation and understanding of what a Mothers love really is comes at the moment you yourself become a parent.

I was lucky enough to have my own Mum in the room with me when I gave birth to my daughter. Her support to both myself and my husband was incredible. It was like her love filled up the room and gave me the strength to focus on the momentous and precious job I had infront of me. She sang to me softly and kept a silent vigil over me as I gathered the strength to bring Dee into the world safely.
I'm so glad I got to experience my birth story with her, it made those long, painful, tiring hours both bearable and special.

Seconds after giving birth, whilst holding both my baby and my husband in my arms, I remember looking at my Mum and saying 'Thank You'. I attempted to put 27 years of unsaid things into those words, they weren't just gratitude for staying by my side through this process but for always being by my side, for loving me so effortlessly the way that I now loved my newborn daughter. It was a thank you for that pure, perfect, un-assuming, awe-inspiring, unselfish, beautiful love, that until that moment I had never quite understood.

Ten minutes after Dee was born, my Mum left the room to go home, she simply looked at me and smiled and then quietly slipped away. I knew at that moment things were never going to be the same again; but in a totally wonderful way. Our mother-daughter bond had increased 100 fold with the addition of our new tiny miracle. Our little Dee.

Later, as I held my newborn daughter close, thankful of a few fuss free moments, the overwhelming love I felt for this tiny, fragile thing seemed to subsume me. How had my Mum loved me like this for so long? How had she not drowned under the weight of it? How do any mothers do it?
My respect grows for my Mum everyday, just as my love grows for Dee. Sometimes I find that love so overwhelming that it threatens to overcome me and swallow me whole.
I once read somewhere that "a mothers love is something that no one can explain, it is made of deep devotion and of sacrifice and pain".  I used to think this was quite morbid, but now I understand those words with a far deeper meaning than I ever did before.

I spent this Mothers Day in the company of my Mum and my daughter-  for whom I am so blessed and grateful. It was a day of celebration and happiness, a day of love.

I hope that all Mums, Mums-to-be, Step-Mums, Grandmas, Great Grandmas and anyone who bears the title 'Mother' had a beautiful day, smug in the knowledge that we are privy to the secret of a Mothers love.
I also hope that those who were spending Sunday without their Mums, those who are in mourning for children had an extra special day celebrating the lives of the people they love the most.



Happy Mothers Day to all.

Love to you all, till next time - L & L x

Mum's the word.

Being a Mum is really hard, truly wonderful but really, really hard.

I read countless parenting blogs on how perfect life is with their little ones. How every day is filled with joy and contentment and amazing discoveries. These blogs are either lying or I am doing something terribly wrong. Don't mis-understand me, I love being a Mum, I have found it a difficult journey but I do love it. Yet I often judge myself harshly, I wonder if sometimes I don't do enough for Dee or I make the wrong decisions regarding her upbringing. I have found adjusting to motherhood hard, I am not by any means an 'earth mother', I don't believe I was put on this earth purely to reproduce and spend my whole life pontificating at how wonderful I am at parenting.

My daughter is extremely precious to me, she came into my life almost eighteen months ago and changed it irrevocably. I decided when I was pregnant that I was going to give up work and raise my daughter as a stay at home Mum -  I believe I made the right decision but it does not mean that some days I don't find it really hard.

I'm a young(ish) Mummy. I am the first of my friends to have a baby. I had a tiring pregnancy with sometimes debilitating morning sickness and chronic tiredness. Even though I read pregnancy and child-rearing books religiously, I felt extremely lonely. I felt I couldn't talk to my closest friends about things because they didn't or couldn't understand what my body was going through. When I was worried about lack of movement or odd changes to my body I often felt trapped and frightened.

I don't think you ever feel 'ready' for a baby. The overwhelming feeling that this tiny thing is going to rely on you completely is a very un-nerving thought. I spent months fretting over the type of mother I wanted to be, contemplating all the mistakes I did not want to make. Truth is you tend to make mistakes whatever you do. You do things you always said you never would and you find yourself pushing to do things well out of your comfort zone.

When Dee arrived, after almost three days of labour and a head fizzy from gas and air; I have never felt more relieved in my whole life. Relieved that she was healthy, relieved she had all her fingers and toes which were so utterly perfect. Relieved that I loved her in that indescribable way that all Mums talk about, that you can't quite comprehend until you meet your child for the first time.

As a mother 16 months on -  I forever feel that I should be doing more. That we should go on more outings, that I should make more effort to do lots more creative things with her. That I should have sent her to Nursery sooner, that I should never have introduced her to the world of Peppa Pig.
Truth is, most days, Dee and I mosey along together. We go shopping, we sing, we dance, we laugh. She watches as I clean and tidy and cook. She sits in her cot whilst I shower. We see friends and family regularly, we eat out.
I will never be one of those Mothers who enrols her child in every group going, Dee won't play the piano at 3 years old. I have made peace with the fact that I will never be the perfect mother....

... But I'll always be the perfect mother to Dee -  and thats really all that matters.

Love till next time -  L & L x x

A room of her own.

They say that moving house is one of the most stressful times of your life. So we thought that we would times that stress by about a million and buy a wreck of a house, from which our dream home would magically appear within the subsequent months. Unfortunately house renovation apparently doesn't happen by magic and at times it feels like the whole project is going to come, quite literally, crashing down around our feet.
After what seems like months of surly workmen ripping the once fully walled house apart, it suddenly feels like we are treading stagnant water. Hope of being in by late summer is diminshing with every rain cloud and drip of water from a still un-fixed roof.

However, a light at the end of a very long tunnel shone like a beacon last week - our design file from our very lovely interior designers arrived. I cannot express the amount of joy a simple A3 ring binder gave to me. Each flip of a page gave a new wave of excitement and anticipation and suddenly it didn't seem to matter that the house had no ceilings or windows. It was like that bit in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy steps out into Munchkinland and glorious technicolor. Somehow that little file gave our house a life, a meaning; it was becoming a home. However, as exciting as it was to peruse colour ways, furniture collections and my forever longed-for AGA something was troubling me.

A room filled with LOVE.

I couldn't put my finger on it at first, it was an odd, lost kind of feeling. After pushing it to the back of mind I went about my daily chores and only when it came to putting Dee to bed did it strike me: she was never going to remember her room in our current home, her nursery would soon become a faded memory.

A collection of her favourite things.

It saddens me that she will not remember this place in which she has been so content and happy. She will never recall the beautiful wall filled with birds and owls that I so lovingly picked before I even  
knew her name. That room holds so many beautiful memories, so many firsts, so many nights of blissful, dream-tinged sleep. My baby girl is growing fast, sometimes I wish I could slow the days down so I could hold her for a few more hours in her nursery before she falls asleep.

Dee's beautiful Harlequin wallpaper, filled with birds and owls

Double D for our Deedee (Mamas and Papas)

I want her to remember this place, her sanctuary for the last 16 months.

The Story of a Room.

My dear darling Deedee,
How far we have come,
Since the day that we met you,
And the dreaming begun.

I sat in this room,
Before you were here,
I'd sing to you softly,
And hoped you would hear.

I chose the curtains,
The wallpaper too,
I wanted it to be,
So perfect for you.

I chose every cushion,
Each sweet teddy bear,
Daddy helped too,
And hung pictures with care.

Then you arrived,
So perfect and small,
A beautiful bundle,
So loved by us all.

I fed you in here,
and held you so tight,
We've played and we've sang,
until the day meets the night.

You've slept in here darling,
since 2 weeks of age,
Now you wont sleep at all,
Till we turned the last page...

Of the books you so love,
that you handle with care,
as you sing and you laugh,
As I play with your hair.

You're growing so fast,
and learning lots too,
I hope you have beautiful memories,
Of your very first room.

Love till next time -  L & L x

Bangkok with Baby:

A Short Guide to Travelling Long Haul with a Toddler in Tow...

Even at the best of times long haul travelling is both tiring and tiresome. When Dee was five months old we took our first plunge into the world of (long haul!) travel as parents. Needless to say it was pretty easy, being so young she pretty much slept the whole journey and when awake was contented to play on the floor with a few toys.
Since then, we have only ventured a few hours away by plane, for which she was happy to be entertained and dozed intermittently.

However, in a moment of apparent madness four months ago, we decided to take a trip to Thailand to soak up some culture and enjoy some winter sun. If I'm honest I was dreading the journey from the moment our payment went through and as the the date grew ever closer my fears of travelling so far with Dee were turning into full blown erratic questionings inside my head -  Will she sleep? What will she eat? What about mosquitoes? What are the hospitals like? Will she wail for 15 hours straight on the plane? WILL SHE SLEEP????

As my questions starting to morph into untold terror I turned to my well travelled husband for support. His response -  'They do have babies in Thailand Katie!' This did not help.

In a bid to busy myself in the few short weeks before departure (and obvious imminent death!), I took to my online community to seek solace and advice. What I read in various forums and blogs only enhanced my terror. 'Travelling long haul with a 15 month old - help!' was met with a flurry of 'Don't do its!' At which point I fell into the dark world of 'mortal peril' mindset.

After steadying myself with a cat-nap and a large gin I set out on finding more positive outlooks on the world of travel with toddler. I found some really interesting and informative blogs which helped calm my nerves a little. I also found some really useful sites that specialised in traveling with kids. These helped immensely, their overall collective viewpoint being - 'Be Prepared'.
So prepared I would be.

My first and biggest worry was the plane. We have all been on flights on which a baby wails for the entire journey or you get a toddler kicking the back of your seat until you are black and blue. It wasn't the fact that I was bothered about myself, or how little sleep I was going to get, it was for the welfare of our unknown travel companions who would have to endure Dee at her most tired and fraught. Don't get me wrong, Dee is a really good girl, she eats, sleeps and plays well. However, you just don't know what 17 hours, 3 airports and air-conditioning will do to one that young!
In a bid to keep her happy, content and entertained, I went about making a 'Plane Pack' for her.

Here is my 'must take' list to ensure safe passage.

• Suitcase -  Small enough to carry on as hand luggage, but large enough to contain all the things you will need. The various compartments in these wonders make it really easy to grab something at a moments notice. I picked one up at TKMaxx for about £12. 

• Food/Milk - Most airports are great with you taking the ready made up cartons of milk on board now, with a little effort and a nice smile at the security gate you can pretty much get away with 3/4 cartons. My advice is to take a few then buy more at Boots/other chemist once you are through security. I took a couple of meals on board as well just incase she became fussy. TOP TIP: take some powdered milk with you just incase -  you may be delayed etc. 

• Snacks - You will need plenty of these. I took lots of little packets of munchie biscuits, a few bananas, raisins, breadsticks, crackerbreads. These are all yummy and provide a quick fix whilst waiting for their milk or meal. 

Dee loves these.

These take a little more nibbling! 

Quick energy fix.

• Toys are essential, but you shouldnt take anything too large or too noisy for obvious reasons. My top tip is to play to their loves - this for Dee is sorting, reading and Peppa Pig. TOP TIP: Fill a small bag with small cheap toys, the cheaper the better as they do tend to get lost. I  scoured pound shops before I left. Here are some of my favourite finds.  

Peppa Pig Figures

Hours of magnet sorting fun.

A little more pricey -  but this megasketcher was well worth it. 

• APP's. - I know this isn't for everyone. Before long haul travel I was always the kind of person who would secretly judge those parents who resort to their iphone/ipad to keep their child entertained, however, these little apps proved a godsend. We would obviously limit their use but they did stop a couple of meltdowns.

Toddler Touch app. A beautifully vibrant, easy to use app for little finger. Basically a picture book consisting a picture of something and its name. Each picture has its own cute sound effect (we particularly love the Teddy!) and a nice lady spells out the word for you. Wonderful!

This top rated app is absolutely wonderful. I am tempted to do a whole post on it as its that good. Every parent should buy it. The story begins by setting a lovely night time scene in a farmyard, all you have to do is navigate your way around to the various animals and switch off their night lights so that they can go to sleep. The almost 3-D effect of this app is lovely and gives the whole thing texture. Dee simply adores putting all the animals to sleep. A useful tool as an aid to bedtime. 

Does what it says on the tin. Colourful, happy and full of americanised baby babble. Toddlers love this, you however, may not. (The wheels on the bus go round and round and round and round and round...).

• And the rest. Remember to pack extra sets of clothes, plenty of nappies if your little one isn't potty trained and sleepsuits. Babies seem to explode on planes so having plenty of changes is essential. Also remember to take their favourite comforter -  it really does help. 

I know this all seems pretty indepth, but I assure you it will help you ALL (other passengers included) to have a journey that is significantly less stressful. I felt I spent weeks worrying about things that became inconsequential when I should have just enjoyed the run up to the holiday. Remember, babies/toddlers are intuitive little things and when they sense you are tense, they too become tense. 

In the end, Dee was wonderful. In two 17 hour trips she cried for about 30 minutes. It's lovely to hear other people comment on how well your child has behaved, it makes me feel very proud. In hindsight, I don't think I could have done it without all my prep. Being organised is key and I hope this little guide has helped some other frazzled parents make the decision to go a little further afield on their next holiday, I promise you you won't regret it. Seeing Dee's little face light up in the pool, splashing and laughing in the sun, makes every second of the long journey worth it. 

Happy Travelling.

Love till next time - L&L xx

In Memory.

Twitter has become more of a necessity lately; it keeps me in touch with a world outside my four walls. I enjoy reading blogs of other people's journey  through mother/fatherhood - they make me feel like I belong somehow. 

A few nights ago, as I wandered through twitterdom in my jet-lagged state I learned of a story that has touched me deeply. Another mother, who I do not know, lost her child at nine months old. At first I thought it couldn't be true, that I had mis-read. But no, alas, an angel was taken from her family, too young, too soon. 

My husband tried to comfort me as I openly sobbed. Reading @edspire words through her blog and through twitter made me want to reach out to this unknown person and try and try to help her in some small way. I knew I couldn't. Her child had been taken from her, for reasons we are too small  to understand. All I know is Matilda Mae was needed elsewhere. 

After trawling through Jennie's blog, through her photos, I felt she was a person to similar to I, a woman, a wife, a friend, a mother. Motherhood is important to her, her children are her life. I am glad that little Matilda's short but full and happy life is on record for all to see. 

Jennie's seems so strong. I don't know if I would have half the strength she has under the same circumstances. She is also a mother of twins, whom she is staying so strong for despite the tragedy that has hit her life. We mothers can learn much from her. 

For Jennie: I am so sorry for your  loss. Your strength and dignity at this heartbreaking time is inspiring. You inspire me, you inspire me to be a better mother and wife and friend. Through all your words since you found Matilda sleeping you have never once thought of yourself - just of all your loved ones and how you can make life easier. I hope someone close is holding you up and drying your tears. Matilda would be proud of her very brave Mummy. 

For Matilda : Dearest little one. You are now a star shining brightly above us all, smiling down on us. You were taken too soon, and nobody will ever understand why. But I have the faith that you were so very needed elsewhere, somewhere peaceful. Keep watch over your family, your brother and sister, your Daddy and your courageous Mummy. They need your strength now, they need you to hold their hands. Sleep well precious girl, until you can be with them again. 

Good night, God Bless.  

The land of smiles...

In order to escape the post-Christmas comedown we decided a break to the sunshine may be in order. After much deliberation we chose Thailand. Mr.D has traveled to this part of the world many times before so we thought we would give it a go as a family (even though I was slightly hesitant!) 

It's true to say that I am not an avid traveller. Since having Dee I found I have become a lot more wary of situations and places I know nothing about. I try to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to give our little family life experiences that I would usually avoid. I don't know what I thought I was going to be faced with, some third world country in which we would forage for food and drink rain water? Maybe. I couldn't have been more wrong. 

Bangkok was awe-inspiring. Large, noisy, vibrantly colourful and in places incredibly peaceful. After a long, long journey with a 15 month old it was so wonderful to be greeted with genuine smiles and a cool drink. Our hotel was sat on the river, delicately hidden from view with palm trees and wild flowers. 

Dee settled quickly, jet-leg seemingly unproblematic in one so young. 

We had two days of Bangkok madness. Getting tiny boats across the river, sharing with people from all walks of life, people with goats on leads, pensioners, honeymooners, upper class businessmen and market sellers. The markets in Bangkok brim with life, fruit in every available colour and flavour made most stalls look like slices of the rainbow. The smells were incredible, the heat was crippling and the smiles endlessly forthcoming. 

Thai people seem to love babies - especially cute blonde ones! It's funny how they stop and ask for photos with dee as if she is some kind of celebrity or sacred symbol. 

Our journey through the city took us to see the 'big Buddha' and the Palace. Going into the temples was quite moving. Seeing monks in silent prayer almost made me want to give up my western life and come live here in the perfect calm. I have never seen a place so full of people yet so utterly silent and still. I don't pretend to be religious, I lost faith in all things Godly a long time ago, but something inside this temple made me want to believe in something, anything. 

There is something so soothing about being in a place of worship, I feel it calms me and allows me to catch hold of my often scattered thoughts. 

The Thai people seem so genuinely nice and friendly - everyone stopping to wish you a good day and exchange pleasantries. You never feel threatened, even in a place as crowded as Bangkok. I'm glad I had a chance to witness these things, it helped me put a few things in perspective. 

After Bangkok we traveled to Kamala in Phuket, an hours plane journey and a million miles away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Our resort is so truly beautiful. It's one of those places that you just wish you could share with everyone, so that they might feel some of the joy it gives to you, if only for a second. 

It's one of the first times in my life where I haven't felt completely homesick. 

Dee loves it here, the water is warm and she has finally (after months of worry!) has started to take her first proper steps. She's definitely keeping us on our toes! 

Anyway- must dash, cocktails are calling. 

No rest for the wicked... 

Love till next time. L&L 

A New Year.

Christmas has come and gone as it always does, lost in a whirlwind of glitter, pine needles and over-indulgence. It was a good one -  filled with all the things I love best, family, friends and Ferraro Roche.

Dee had such fun; her beautiful face practically lit up with glee on Christmas morning, she had such a good time unwrapping (destroying!) her vast amounts of gifts from generous patrons. Mr.D and I decided not to buy anything for her this year, we felt she would be spoiled enough without us adding to the mountain of presents. She is only 15 months old and doesn't really understand.

Christmastime - Daddy, Dee and Uncle Matt

Lost amongst presents! 

For the first time in 4 years we had Christmas with some of my family. It was special. My grandparents are now well into their eighties and I don't know how many Christmases I have left with them, so I took the opportunity to indulge in their company as much as possible. People of the older generation are such interesting souls; my grandparents enrich my life greatly with tales of days gone by, parish gossip and strong morals - we can learn much from them. I sometimes feel saddened that my days with them are numbered, with my Gramps especially who seems weaker this past year. I make sure I visit twice a week, not only do they make a mean cup of tea, but I want to allow Dee as much time with them as possible, so that she too may be influenced by the people who have strongly shaped my life. It worries me that she will not remember them, but I try to take lots of photos so that one day I can remind her of  days filled with the kind of love only grandparents can give.

I lost my maternal Grandad at Christmastime. It was nine years ago this time that he was lost from our lives. I took white roses to his grave to remind him that I love him and that he is always close to me. I wanted beauty to surround him just as our lives are filled with such beauty at this time of year. I miss him still.

We spent New Year with my beloved cousin and her family. We ate, drank and were merry. Nothing fancy of course, just a home-cooked meal, cheap plonk and crap boardgames! Bliss!

A collection of calmer moments

2013 brings lots of exciting things for my little family. We bought a 'house in progress' late last year and January sees the start of our dream home project. I look forward to tracking its journey through my blog.
We go to Thailand soon, which is both exciting and daunting in equal measures. A thirteen hour plane journey with a 15-month old is not ideal but I'm sure Mr.D and I will share the load of our buoyant and forever inquisitive little girl.

Life as always remains busy, tiring, interesting and exciting. I feel blessed going into a new year with so many wonderful things to look forward to. 2012 was full of highs and lows. Those close to me will know what these were - but in essence, I am glad to leave that year behind.

Here is to a new year that is full of all the best things life has to offer. Happiness, hopefulness and above all -  love.

Happy New Year to you all.

Love till next time - L&L x